Welcome, welcome, to another Brisbane heatwave. Sure, the rest of the country is dealing with it as well but it’s too hot to care about them right now.
This is basically the thought process we’re going through at the moment.
2. I need another shower. I’m sweating already.
3. What if I call in sick?
4. But work has air-con.
5. Should go to work.
6. Why am I even attempting to put on makeup right now? It is literally melting off in front of me.
7. I look like a Salvador Dali painting.
8. This makeup wipe is so cool against my skin.
9. Can you marry a makeup wipe?
10. No one would come to our wedding. Do churches have air-con?
11. Should run to the car to avoid direct contact with sunlight.
12. Too hot to run. Should accept inevitable demise.
13. Should’ve strapped ice packs to my body. Failings like this are why I didn’t get a better OP.
14. Is the air-con in this car even working? Why is it only blasting hot air back at me? YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE HELPING ME.
15. Air-con has finally kicked in. There are goosebumps on my arms. Maybe I could circle the block a few times to stay in the air-con as long as possible.
16. Okay, FINE. I’ll walk to the train.
17. It’s hotter than I remember.
18. Nature knew I was getting out of my car and specifically turned up the heat.
19. Unacceptable and thoroughly childish behaviour.
20. Milk was a bad choice.
21. Why are my thighs sticking together? My thighs don’t normally stick together.
22. Why are my legs so sweaty? I could basically have peed myself and been only slightly warmer and stickier.
23. Is this global warming’s fault?
24. Is global warming MY fault?
25. I should use fewer plastic shopping bags.
26. Plastic never breaks down. It takes 450 years for a tampon to decompose.
27. When did they come to that figure? Where’s the 450-year-old tampon that decided this?
28. I should start a compost bin.
29. I should use more public transport and ride my bike places. Except when it’s this hot.
30. Would I be warmer or cooler if I shed every item of clothing right now? Would people even notice in their own heat-addled minds?
31. I’m not going to do that.
32. I COULD but I won’t.
33. I’m an adult and adulthood is all about suffering, as far as I can tell.
34. Do I have crotch sweat?
35. I definitely have armpit sweat going on right now. But you’ll never know because I am not wearing anything with sleeves because I’m not a CRAZY PERSON.
36. We should take a note from Coober Pedy and live underground.
37. Like Gollum.
38. And we forgot the taste of bread, the sound of trees, the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name.
39. Should watch Lord of the Rings over the weekend.
40. I would have greater empathy for Frodo and Sam walking through Mordor right now. Except Mordor is probably cooler than this.
41. Weak hobbits.
42. I can hear children playing in a pool.
43. Where is it, though?
44. Would it be weird if I jumped in their pool?
45. Yes, that would be weird. You would be on the news and probably in court.
46. They should stop splashing around, then. They’re just rubbing it in my face now.
47. I don’t understand how my body is able to sweat this much. I know we’re 80 per cent water but this is ridiculous.
48. If I produce any more sweat, I’m going to become like that dude from X-Men. My entire body will become water and I’ll just… puddle out of this life.
49. Probably not a terrible way to go.
50. Did cavepeople ever deal with heat this intense? Did my ancestors? Have I become weak from generations of pampered living?
51. Maybe I should try the Paleo diet.
52. Maybe I should live on the land and learn what kinds of plants are edible and which ones are poisonous.
53. That would involve being outside, though.
54. And it’s too hot for that.
55. Also, I would probably die after eating the first plant.
56. There’s so much more in life I want to accomplish.
57. Like feeling air-con again.
58. How is that guy wearing a jumper right now? Where does he come from that this weather is pleasant to him?
59. Oh, you’re hot, are you? You think you’re hotter than I am? Have you seen my patch of back sweat? I WILL PHYSICALLY FIGHT YOU OVER THIS.
60. When it’s cooler.
61. We will fight in air-con.
62. Remember when we used to be sent home from school if it got too hot? Let’s do that now.
63. My fingers are so swollen I don’t know how I’m supposed to function.
64. IS THAT A BREEZE? EMBRACE ME.
65. That did nothing. That was like a fart directly from Satan.
66. Remember winter? Winter was the best.
67. Except when it was so cold I was dreaming of summer.
68. What a fool I was.
69. I deserve this punishment.
70. I need a Hydralyte.
71. I’m just going to sit here for a moment in this shade until I can force myself to keep moving.
72. MY SKIN IS RIPPING OFF. I AM STUCK TO THIS SEAT FOREVER.
73. Did I or did I not actually rip my skin off? I can’t twist to see it.
74. Who cares? I can’t feel anything but heat right now.
75. My sunglasses are fogging up.
76. My sunglasses are slipping off my face.
77. My everything is slipping off my everything else.
78. I’m so close. I can see my building.
79. One minute left.
80. Stairs. Why do stairs exist?
81. Do. Not. Collapse. On. The. Stairs.
82. Get through the door. You can die inside.
85. My saviour.
86. Don’t know why I was going to marry the makeup wipe when there’s an air-con right here, waiting for my proposal.
87. I’m just going to sit here for 20 minutes, munching on a Hydralyte and weeping softly.
88. It’s actually really cold in here.
89. Someone should turn up the heat.