Welcome, welcome, to our weekly How to Fake feature. This is for all you Lazy Girls out there who want to look like you do things so that people will just get off your damn back about all the time you spend lounging on the couch. With these tips and tricks, you can achieve maximum couch time AND maximum faux results to make all your wishes come true. I may or may not be a genie but I’m certainly as lazy as you.
So you want to run a marathon. Or you want to SAY that you’ve run a marathon so that people will stop reminding you that sedentary lifestyles lead to premature death.
Well, you’ve picked an excellent thing to fake because you essentially need no equipment and working your butt off is so last year. If you’d rather marathon a TV show, here’s how to fake running a marathon to make everyone chill for once:
1. Post heaps of pics on Instagram
By this I mean post pictures of your feet in running shoes. In a bunch of different positions and places: walking on the bitumen, tying your laces on the front stairs, on the floor of your bedroom because you’re one of those people who just GETS UP EARLY to do EXERCISE. (You’re not.) Upload these training pics periodically so it seems like you’re constantly training.
What’s that? It’s an overcast day and all you have is a bunch of sunshine-happy-angel pics? No problem! Post those pics with a #tbt (throwback to) and a caption like, “Wish this horrible weather would go away! I want to be out RUNNING!” with a running emoji, of course. Everyone knows running emojis mean srs bsns.
Take some photos in the supermarket with you holding some fruit and vegetables like you’re actually contemplating buying it. Like, to eat. Grab an avocado. B*tches love avocados.
If you feel like you need a sweaty post-run photo because you want to be AUTHENTIC about faking it, boil some water and steam your face for 10 minutes. When you’re done with your skincare regimen, put on your activewear (if you’re not already wearing it to lounge around the house) and strike a pose. Your face will be pink and sweaty. Maybe have a water bottle near your mouth. Mess up your hair. Don’t forget the headphones because you would’ve been listening to music while training for EXTREME THINGS.
2. Avoid training partners like the plague
If someone is pestering you to train with them, just flat-out tell them no. You are a lone wolf. You want to train by yourself and not feel bad about how slow you are compared to someone like them. This is all about you-time. Whatever you have to say, just let them know that their probably well-meant suggestion is out of the question. If you somehow end up ensnared in their awful, awful web, make sure they never want to train with you again by embarrassing the heck out of them.
3. Brush off your potential supporters
It’s entirely likely that no one will actually come watch you run a marathon because, hello, they’d just stand around for ages waiting for you to finish. If they try, use all the excuses you might have/already used for your training partner. “I’m still REALLY slow even though I’ve been training so hard. I don’t want you to waste your time. I’m just doing this for me.”
If there’s no way to get out of it and they INSIST on being supportive (ugh) – or WORSE, they’re running the marathon as well – things can get a bit trickier. Here’s what you do: sign up for the marathon, get your number and whatever else they give you, run for a bit until you’re out of sight, and then either take a shortcut or veer off the beaten path for a burger. Show up at the finish line AGES later (hey, you told them you were slow!) and run across the line. Make sure that you splash some water on yourself to make yourself look appropriately sweaty and gross.
4. Post a selfie afterwards… or “afterwards”
For proof, y’know? Someone will undoubtedly post a picture of their marathon bib before the marathon starts so just keep an eye on the hashtags if you’re not even there and do one up on your computer. Scrawl a number on it and pin it to your activewear because you’re hardcore. Make up some horrid time and #gettingthere or #slowandsteadywinstherace.
Remember: boiling water, messy hair, pour water down your shirt for more authentic body sweat. Once you’re done, you can get back to the couch for a REAL marathon. Of Grey’s Anatomy or something. You got this.
PLEASE NOTE: All How to Fake stories are satirical in nature. However, if you DO decide to take on any of this really excellent advice, let us know the results on Facebook, you champion.