OK, SO I work in an office with some v. fashionable people and I am v. not fashionable so I’m kind of an authority on this. Not really. I just accept myself for who I am. But that is NOT what we are here for today. We are here to make YOU an authority on all things fake fashion.
“What the eff are you babbling about this week, Sarah?” you mutter.
Well, I am BABBLING about your new life and how you’re going to make your run-of-the-mill clothes seem like edgy designer finds. Come, friend, down the rabbit hole of weirdness and wonder.
1. Decide on your style
Maybe you like to dress like a nerd with many slogan shirts and fandom references that make other people go “Wait, whaaaaaaaat?” (That’s my style, not gonna lie.)
Maybe you like to dress a bit preppy but most of your clothes are from Kmart or a dumpster or something. Do not be ashamed of this. First of all, Kmart is life. Second of all, as long as you washed those dumpster clothes you can do what you want.
The thing is, if you like to dress a certain way then you can rule the world with the next steps.
2. Make up a designer
“Oh this? This is from a cute little indie designer called Gregorovitch, who’s based in Eastern Europe.”
Lies. Gregorovitch is a wandmaker from Harry Potter. But do they need to know that? Absolutely not. Basically you just make up designer names that sound awesome.
And if they say, “Oh, I think I’ve heard of him!” you can respond with “Are you sure you’re not confusing him with Gorgovitch? He’s another designer who’s quite popular but they’re both pretty underground at the moment.”
Gorgovitch is also a character from Harry Potter but he plays for the Chudley Cannons. It has never been confirmed that he enjoys designing clothes but anything is possible.
3. Fight people
At times, people will just assume that you are garbage (like your clothes very well may have been) and give you the big ol’ stink-eye because you don’t seem to be trying very hard with your outfit. Don’t take them on immediately. Ascertain how they view fashion and what they perceive as important.
Then, when someone asks what you did on your weekend or you can see an obvious in, start talking about how excited you are that your new outfit arrived from a little designer in Europe called Gregorovitch. Chances are their ears will perk right up when they hear the word “designer” and they’ll ask you about it. That’s when you get to drop the mic.
4. Laugh at them
Talking about your designer clothes may make other people want to buy them. This is natural. And this is not scary.
“I can’t find Gregorovitch ANYWHERE on the internet,” they say. “Except for some character in Harry Potter. Have you been lying to me this whole time?”
In case you didn’t pick it up, that’s your cue to laugh.
“No,” you say. “But I love that some character from a book is more famous from them. Gregorovitch doesn’t believe in an online presence. He’s all about word of mouth. He doesn’t even print catalogues. Everything is mail order and it’s this really amazing way of feeling like you’re part of something special. I mean, sure, when you’re in Europe you can just walk into his boutique and buy stuff but there’s something special about seeing it arrive.”
5. Celebrate your victory
The thing about creating this whole life and lie for yourself is that people will suddenly be less likely to question you about your outfit choices. You have designer pieces. From some mysterious designer who maybe lives in Bulgaria. You clearly know fashion but your sense of style is just left of centre.
Who are they to critique you when they haven’t even HEARD of Gregorovitch’s boutique? Now wear your dumpster clothes, hold your head high and STRUT.
PLEASE NOTE: All How to Fake stories are satirical in nature. However, if you DO decide to take on any of this really excellent advice, let us know the results on Facebook, you champion.
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