When you get to a certain age, people start asking you when you’re going to get a boyfriend/girlfriend/partner. In my experience, it depends on where your grandparents were brought up.
My nonna was very concerned with when I would marry and whether I would marry a good Italian boy. She started up when I was 16.
My maternal grandparents were a little calmer about things but there was that awkward conversation a little after I turned 22 where my grandma said, “Are you one of those LESBIANS? I know it’s a new thing but I would be OK if you wanted to be with a lady. I think.”
Even if you’re the most confident human in the world, there are times when you just want to say, “YES. YES, INDEED. I do happen to have a partner and we will be married next spring.” Usually this sudden urge to make a declaration is just so that people will SHUT THE HELL UP.
Luckily, it’s pretty easy to fake a relationship if you have social media and a ruthless attitude towards your family’s hopes and dreams. Here’s how to do it.
1. Slow burn
These days, very few people worry about making things “Facebook official” anymore because a) it’s awkward as heck if/when everything falls apart; and b) making something Facebook official is not as fun as posting a meme about Donald Trump’s hair running off into the distance.
This new attitude is fabulous if you want to fake a relationship because you can just make little comments every now and then about how happy you are or how great your day was. If you want to level up, you can create a fake Facebook profile (very easy to do) with your chosen partner’s name and make it super private so no one can see anything besides the profile and cover photo.
“You’re forgetting one important thing, Sarah,” I hear you say. “How do I make a profile picture of someone who doesn’t exist?”
Never fear. I am here to guide you through the murky waters of Fake Facebookdom. You go the embarrassing route and take a picture of a dog or a car or a guitar or something abstract and if/when people say something, you say, “Oh my gosh, I KNOW. I’m like, ‘Taylor, you are not a guitar.’ But what can you do?”
Nothing. You can do nothing because Taylor is an “actual person” and they have their own feelings and make their own decisions.
2. It’s present time!
What do good partners do? I don’t know for sure but I’ve noticed that sometimes other humans will have deliveries of flowers and chocolate and people will make a fuss over this so it seems like a v. big deal.
If you like flowers, you can send yourself some pretty posies with one of Brisbane’s flower delivery services.
Make sure they arrive in public when the office/workplace is as busy as possible to ensure maximum “WOW, TAYLOR IS SO AMAZING!” comments.
If you like chocolate AND flowers, you can get some Edible Blooms delivered and experience the best of both worlds. Share around the office because you’re kind and generous and so in love that you couldn’t possibly eat all this by yourself.
3. Photographic evidence
Now that you’ve done enough groundwork, you can move on to the “evidence” that Taylor/your fake human exists.
“But Sarah, you just told me not to actually use photos of them,” I hear you say.
Well, could you just fricking trust me for a second and keep reading? THANK YOU.
I am not telling you to find a random in the street and start taking photos of their face. But you CAN find a random in the street and take photos of their hand(s) like Hannah Smothers did for her fake hot boyfriend experiment on Instagram.
You can also take photos of your breakfast in bed made for you by Taylor after a night of implied-but-not-explicitly-stated love-making. No one needs to know that it was actually something you painstakingly made for yourself while you had a massive hangover. Even if you’re a total champion for doing that.
The trick is to not have Taylor appear in any of these pictures so that your friends can assume your new squeeze is just camera-shy.
4. Get hardcore
One of the BEST ways to fake a relationship is having one of these adorable photos.
You actually don’t even need another human to pull this off. So you’re only taking a photo of legs, right? Put on the shoes YOU want to wear, then grab a pair of jeans and a pair of shoes that Taylor would wear, depending on their gender and style.
Put the jeans on over your arms, so that the zip faces the ground when you hold your arms out straight. Put the shoes on your hands. Bend forwards until your body forms a bridge, with your feet either flat on the floor or on your tiptoes, and your shoe-clad hands on the floor in front of you. Keep your face out of the frame.
(I should probably mention that you should’ve set the camera timer before you had the shoes on your hands but whatever. You probably figured that out.) If you get the photo at just the right angle (which will take some experimenting), you will have this cute photo where it looks like you’re standing on your tiptoes to kiss Taylor.
5. Fake a break-up
Eventually people are going to start wondering why they’ve never met Taylor and why you’re not introducing them. Unless you have miraculously managed to find a human named Taylor and progressed your relationship in accordance with your already carefully-laid plans, this could get weird. So you’re going to have to fake a break-up.
This is actually totally easy because you just need to cry and spend a lot of time alone and maybe eat more chocolate. Can’t cry on cue? Eye drops, baby. Every time.
So you’ve faked a relationship and come full circle. The good news is that after your break-up you can claim between one week and four years as healing time, depending on how serious you and Taylor were. And if people ask when you’re going to get back in the game, you just say, “I can’t. I just can’t. I still love Taylor, even if they broke my heart. I’m not ready.”
PLEASE NOTE: All How to Fake stories are satirical in nature. However, if you DO decide to take on any of this really excellent advice, let us know the results on Facebook, you champion.
Feature Image: The Notebook (2004), New Line Cinema
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