How to Fake A Juice Cleanse

How to Fake A Juice Cleanse

When life gives you annoying peer-pressure, fake a juice cleanse.

By Sarah Taviani | 15th July 2016

Welcome back to our weekly How to Fake feature. Have you ever had someone tell you that you simply MUST do a juice cleanse to fix your skin/detox your gut/purify your aura? I mean, it SOUNDS like it could work. But when you realise that a juice cleanse actually does mean JUST juice, you may want to curl up on the couch and wait for the sweet release of death rather than submit yourself to something like that.

So let’s fake it. It’s super easy and once you’ve “experienced it” and have an “informed opinion”, you can tell those nasty little gremlins that you’re never doing a juice cleanse again. They never have to know the truth.

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1. Buy some mason jars

Why? Because mason jars are the Holy Grail of juice cleanses. So photogenic, so arty, so very. Journey through life with your mason jars and you will be the epitome of hipster Instagram juice cleanse rainbow unicorn goodness.

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2. Get photographic evidence

Fill those mason jars with milk and food colouring (got to get the right consistency of fruit and death) to make your “juice” look super kitsch and fancy.

Take photos of your faux juice-filled mason jars in your hands. And in front of things like the floor or your legs or the sky because you are so high on juice that you have literally left the earth. Or with a book or near some sneakers because you’re CLEANSING and being super chill but you’re also an INTENSE PERSON who runs MARATHONS (no, you’re not).

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Make sure to stockpile enough images to post periodically throughout your juice cleanse. Remember, you can have a pretty picture and still have a sad caption like “So exhausted. This juice cleanse is killing me. But not my Insta feed because my theme is on POINT.”

3. Lie to their faces

If someone at work pestered you about this stupid cleanse then you may have to fake your juice cleanse at work. And people might get just a bit suspicious when you don’t drink juice every two hours. I mean, you could drink your coloured milk throughout the day but even those who don’t suffer from lactose intolerance will surely feel sick after a while. And you’ve got to have some plan in place to ward off the office busybody. BACK OFF, JANET.

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So here’s what you do: get a water bottle (or a few water bottles) that will distort colour. Like the pink or purple ones you used to have at school. Pour whatever you want in there and take a swig every so often. Maybe shake it up sometimes to make it more juicy/stop all the pulp from falling to the bottom/whatever the real reason is that people shake their juice like a maraca.

Now, on a juice cleanse people kind of can’t snack. So you should maybe have a secret place you go to eat whatever you want. Like your car, parked in a nearby street, or a small dark cave somewhere. If someone asks where you’re going, remind them that juice cleanses are, like, super exhausting and you need a damn nap. Nap at your desk every so often and remind them that THEY DID THIS TO YOU. THEY TOLD YOU THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA.

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4. Give the verdict

People will expect a spectacular finish to this heinous ordeal. Maybe tell them you fainted. That happens to people. Put a random Band-Aid somewhere on your body and claim it as a fainting wound that’s way too gross to show them.

When the allotted time is over and someone asks you how your juice cleanse was, you tell them, “Look, it was really hard but I persevered. It didn’t really have awesome results, though. So I’m not doing it again.” There’s no lie in that. Was it easy to fake all this stuff? No. But it was worth it because now you don’t have to do an ACTUAL juice cleanse. You’re welcome.

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PLEASE NOTE: All How to Fake stories are satirical in nature. However, if you DO decide to take on any of this really excellent advice, let us know the results on Facebook, you champion.

Liked this? You’ll love these!
How to Fake Running a Marathon
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Article by Sarah Taviani

Sarah is a Journalist. She loves lists, stationery and dresses with pockets. Sarah frequently breaks her self-imposed book-buying ban when she’s not looking.

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