I’ve been ghosted.
I’m talking about the type of ghosting where you’re getting to know someone, might have gone on a few dates and then all of a sudden - nothing. No calls, no texts, no likes on your new profile pic, just an uncomfortable silence between you and that person like nothing ever happened.
I’m not afraid to admit I’ve been ghosted PLENTY of times. Unfortunately, it’s common in today’s messed-up dating world. Being ghosted is really hurtful. It’s cruel, inconsiderate and disrespectful.
Dating is complicated enough without adding another element to it. I mean, casual dating is a thing. You weren’t really ready for a relationship at the start but time has passed and just as you’re starting to ponder a label for this “kinda seeing each other” thing, they stop contacting you.
I would say I’m an easy-going girl. I like the simple things in life. I’m independent, I don’t take myself seriously and I laugh at just about anything. I used to always blame myself for being ghosted, dissecting every possible thing that could be wrong with me – “I’m not an Instagram model, maybe I’m not tall enough, maybe it’s because I’m blonde…” blah, blah, blah.
Finally, I realised that I’m actually bloody great. And clearly if a guy is going to ghost me then he isn’t mature enough to handle it in the right way and I’m well shot of him. It was a personal breakthrough, but it wasn’t going to make the act of ghosting OK.
So when did it become second nature to ghost someone? In Zoe Foster-Blake’s (brilliant) book, Textbook Romance, she states “It takes 26 seconds to send a text message.” Did you hear that? 26 SECONDS OUT OF A 24-HOUR DAY! And the guy you’re semi-into can’t even do THAT?
I’m sure we all appreciate honesty to a degree. If a guy I was keen on said “Hey Amber, I’m sorry but I just don’t feel that way about you” I would naturally feel a bit rejected AT FIRST, then I’d be over the effing moon. I would FINALLY be getting a real and sincere reason.
Here’s a list of reasons that you should never accept because they’re total BS:
- “I’ve been really busy.” Shoot me a quick text to say you’re busy and you’ll be able to talk more in a few days.
- “I don’t want a relationship at the moment.” Just tell me that straight-up rather than disappearing?
- “I need to focus on uni/work/my dog.” See above.
- “You’re too good for me/I don’t deserve you.” Damn right you don’t if you’re using this excuse.
- “It’s not you, it’s me.” It really, really is.
- “I didn’t realise we were seeing each other?” When you’re 10 dates deep.
Ghosting actually achieves the exact opposite reaction to what these people probably intended. When someone disappears into thin air, you’re automatically going to focus on that and analyse every single detail until you have no other choice than to move on.
And no, this doesn’t just apply to guys. Girls do this too! I will admit that I’ve done it (thinking it was the norm) and felt horrible about it. If you’re reading this, I’m sorry and I swear I’ve changed!
Ghosting also happens between friends. It has no bounds. We’re in an age where having Tinder isn’t unusual, where dates are disposable and you can start chatting to someone after a simple swipe to the right. Correct me if I’m wrong, but last time I checked, I’m a real person with feelings. I don’t go on dates to be swiped to the left and not be spoken to ever again. Hey, it’s fine if they’re not into me because there’s a huge chance I won’t be into my date either. But a little heads-up wouldn’t go astray!
So what do you do when you’ve been ghosted? Absolutely nothing. You just continue with your life and remind yourself you’re worth a text/call/telegram/messenger on a horse. If you’re in a moment of weakness, refer back to this article or stalk my details and message me directly for an inspirational pep talk.
One of the helpful but somewhat brutal lessons I’ve learnt is to imagine texting the person. They see your imaginary message, roll their eyes and put their phone back in their pocket. Not a feel-good image, is it? It works. Thanks again, Textbook Romance!
But I guess a positive from these (hurtful) experiences is that it becomes clear they’re not the right guy, girl or friend anyway! The right one will see you’re amazing and they’ll want to keep you!
I hope this article at least encourages a few people to start being honest about their feelings. There are too many games to play, too many rules to follow and I’m over it. Say what’s on your mind and heart, be a decent human and enjoy the experience!
Just remember: if you’re ghosted, it’s a reflection of their character not yours.
Further reading/viewing material:
He’s Just Not That Into You
Sex and The City
No Strings Attached