Summer is here. Well, not summer. But spring, which is basically summer. Magpies bloody swooped me the other day and cane toads are back and life is NOT OK. The only good thing about the warmer months in Australia is being able to go for a swim whenever the heck you want. But wait. You don’t have a swimming pool.
Well, I’m here to fix that for you because I am BACK from my holiday and I care about your wellbeing. Let’s go.
1. Accept your pool aesthetic
You can get creative with this but I can only take you as far as close-ups, guys. Don’t ask too much of me.
2. Find a mate with a ute
Or buy a ute. (Stop looking at me like that. I never said this would be inexpensive. Fight me.) You need the ute to act as the base for your swimming pool.
Look, in a pinch you can also use a wheelie bin. One that’s empty and clean. Don’t go swimming around with your rubbish, you filth. But please bear in mind that your potential for pool photos will decrease along with the size of the area you’re working with.
You could always do things the easy way and get one of those blow-up kid pools but who are you, really? Look at your life choices.
3. Go to Big W
Once you’ve secured your ute/wheelie bin, you can get down to business to defeat the Huns. Which I’m assuming you do. Get out of my article right now if you’re not going to commit to this lie with all your heart and at least one of your lungs.
So what you need:
- A blue tarp (yes, it has to be blue)
- A swimsuit
- Some Wahoo toys maybe, I dunno
- Probably one of those floating esky thingies if you wanna live the dream
4. Construct things
Pick the best place to put your swimming pool. If you have to drive your ute through your house or run over your back fence, so be it. Set it up where you’ll get the best view from the tray.
Place the blue tarp that you bought from Big W inside the tray of the ute. Make sure it covers all the cracks and goes up over the sides as well. We need a seamless finish.
Grab your hose. Place it in the now-covered ute tray. Turn on the hose.
Wait for the tray to fill with water. Keep checking to make sure it’s not leaking out anywhere. You don’t want to be wasteful.
Once the ute tray is full, you’re ready to go. Turn off the tap.
5. Get photographic evidence
Put on yo’ swimsuit that you got from Big W, or your swimsuit you already had in your possession because you’re fancy. Get in your new pool. Make sure you don’t wet your phone/camera before you get the evidence. That’s just a rookie error.
Now, you can take a whole bunch of photos with your Wahoo toys and your floating esky thing but the important thing is to take flat lays. All you need in the photo is the subject, the water and the blue tarp shining through. See how it looks exactly like the bottom of a real swimming pool when there’s water on it and it’s lying flat? Brilliance.
Now, if you have a camera that can take photos underwater, you can submerge yourself and go for gold. You can take photos of yourself in your swimsuit lazing in the water.
You want a photo of yourself on the edge of the pool? Go and get some dang terracotta tiles from Bunnings and balance them on the edge of the ute. Now carefully lean up against them. Your pool may look basic af but I promised you would have a pool, not a bloody mansion. My genie powers only extend to functionality, not helping you accomplish some high-minded aesthetic desires.
6. Post your photos
Instagram filter. NOT KELVIN, COME ON. Get creative with your cropping. Now just make sure your captions and your emojis reflect the fact that you are indeed relaxing in your pool. Palm trees. Flowers. The wave. Not water droplets because they can get really sexual. Poor water droplets.
Send your photos out into the world and get ready for people to message you and want to hang out simply to abuse your swimming pool privileges. Turn them down. Laugh heartily and sip whatever fancy drink you put in your floating esky. Passiona? Nice.
PLEASE NOTE: All How to Fake stories are satirical in nature. However, if you DO decide to take on any of this really excellent advice, let us know the results on Facebook, you champion.