So your high school reunion is coming up and you’ve spent months telling yourself that your life is pretty crash-hot. You can totally deal with the humans who are all “Where’s your husband/partner/child/house/superannuation fund?”
But then you remember something else. Someone in your grade won a singing competition on national TV. Three other people qualified for an ancient international sporting competition that you can’t name in print for copyright reasons. Oh, and the random millionaire. And the person who isn’t a millionaire but for some reason has a private jet? (Make friends with them.)
And all of a sudden you realise that your life sucks in comparison and you don’t want to go to this stupid thing anymore becAUSE WHAT'S SCHOOL BUT AN INSTITUTIONALISED FORM OF TORTURE ANYWAY?
First of all, STOP YELLING AT ME. Before you slam your door and scream into your pillow, check out these tips on how to fake success and eternal glory at your high school reunion:
1. Accentuate the positives
So you clean bathrooms for a living, huh? WRONG. You are conducting field research into the effects of pollution and trying to implement better waste management. You’re starting small but with enough funding you hope to move on to bigger and better projects. See? Someone should give YOU a private jet. Srsly.
2. Hire a date
And by “hire” I mean “bribe your friend with baked goods”. Or however you want to settle this. Whoever you pick should be capable of looking at you adoringly and engaging in good-natured banter to show that your relationship is perfectly balanced and you have in jokes. That’s what true love is made of. That and fake happiness.
3. Hire a designer dress
“Oh, this? Yes, my dear friend Donna Karan sent me this after our joint holiday in the Swiss Alps. She’s just a darling, isn’t she?” Have some edelweiss on hand to prove your story.
4. Have a limo drop you off
They don’t have to know it’s not YOUR limo. And if you say “Thank you, Reginald” they will assume you’ve known Reginald for longer than the 25 minutes it took you to get here. And they won’t call you on the fact that his name is actually Brian.
5. Hire a bodyguard
By which I mean “bribe your other mates”. They just need to don suits and talk into their wrists every so often. Maybe go all out and buy some of those curly shoelaces to attach to their ears so they look more legit. And if someone asks why you need bodyguards, tell them you can’t talk about it. No, seriously. It’s a security thing. You are, after all, conducting field research into the effects of pollution. The oil companies are probably after you.
6. Refuse photos
Unhappy with how you look? Whenever someone tries to take a photo, ask them politely not to do so because you took the night off and you don’t want the media to know you’re here because it would just ruin it for everyone. And if they don’t believe you, tell them that each photo takes a piece of your soul and you don’t want to end up like He Who Must Not Be Named. Make love, not Horcruxes.
7. Party on your own terms
You do you. You want to party on into the night? This is your once chance to do so without the paparazzi swarming you and it’s just so good to see your old friends again. (Especially the ones who weren’t your friends but want to be now. Do not give them Donna Karan’s mobile number.) Want to cut and run at 8.30? You have a red-eye flight to Sweden to meet up with their recycling council about how you can make Australia a zero waste nation. Ugh. Scandinavians. So demanding.
PLEASE NOTE: All How to Fake stories are satirical in nature. However, if you DO decide to take on any of this really excellent advice, let us know the results on Facebook, you champion.