All right, listen up. If you’re going to have an Instagram and you want people to follow you, there are a few things you need. One is photos (duh). Another is a not-sucky personality.
Why? Because people actually care about those things. You don’t like being friends with total nulls so why would you want to follow them on Instagram? It’s honestly like getting your soul sucked out through your eyeballs and mixed around in a giant mortar and pestle while you watch with your recently-disturbed-by-soul-sucking eyeballs.
So let’s not be lame and boring, OK? Let’s make a pact. I will pinky-promise your socks off right now. Through your screen. Go on. Put your finger to the screen. Did you feel that? That was our bond.
If you have no personality (my condolences), here’s how to fake one. Because you know what they say, fake it ’til you make it or until no one realises you’re faking it because your entire life has become one giant lie that you can’t get out of and nothing is real anymore and what was your name again?
1. Take a photo of a thing
Then do your editing thing. Don’t use Kelvin unless it’s super necessary. Who uses Kelvin? What’s wrong with you? You look jaundiced now.
2. Write an awesome caption
Here’s where the magic happens. You need to make it sound like you have likes and dislikes. Use capital letters sometimes. Sure, it sounds LIKE YOU’RE SHOUTING but that’s what passion is all about, right? LOTS OF SHOUTING. I’M GONNA STOP SHOUTING now. OK, good.
Example of a caption:
Omg this tea is so good. It’s like peach blossoms and roses HAD A BABY AND NOW I’M DRINKING THAT BABY. No, that got weird. Go back. It tastes good! (You should also drink it.)
Look at you sounding all passionate about possibly drinking tea babies! Well done, buddy. I’m proud of you. Maybe add some heart eyes emojis in there because b*tches love heart eyes emojis. Now POST IT.
What else can you take a photo of? Activewear. B*tches love activewear. Put yo’ shoes on and get your active… pants. Leggings? Tights? I don't exercise, I don’t know what they’re called. If you have them, you know what I’m saying. Put those things on.
Take a photo of your legs or your feet or your something else active (you do you). Filter. (Don’t touch Kelvin. We’ve already been over this. WHY DO YOU KEEP GOING FOR KELVIN? JESUS.) Caption time:
Activewear, activewear, faking an Insta-personality in my ACTIVEWEAR.
#fitspo #chiaseed #howtofake #thepersonwhowrotethosehowtofakearticlesisprettyradright
The point is, my friend, if you want to sound excited then you CAN sound ridiculous. Make people laugh. Shout at them. They’ll love it. And if they don’t then they can go follow someone who doesn’t have an Insta-personality because you are GOLDEN.
3. Smile with your eyes
When taking a selfie, smile with your eyes. If you have dead eyes, you will look like you have a dead soul.
If you really can’t get your eyes to look like they’re not direct from Satan’s butthole, get some fairy lights and set them up in front of you so that the twinkles reflect in your eyes. Instant soul. Trust me. They did this with Galadriel in The Fellowship of the Ring. Does she not look like the most ethereal eye-smiler in the whole universe? (She does, don’t argue.)
4. Use quotes
If you can’t think up your own shouty caption, quote TV shows and movies. If you don't know what TV shows and movies are, use Google. Want an exercise quote? Google “exercise movie quote” (omg, so original, I know). What do you get? Legally Blonde. HECK YES.
5. Pretend to do things
Maybe you don’t feel like you have exciting things to say because you don’t DO exciting things. Well, newsflash: you don’t need to DO exciting things. You can fake them. You wanna run a marathon, try a juice cleanse or do a bunch of other things? You can fake it. Soon your photos will make it seem like you’re super busy and important and you’ll have a lot more things to shout about in your Instagram captions.
Go forth and fake, my young Padawan. And for the love of all that is salted caramel in this world, STAY. AWAY. FROM. KELVIN. I will fight you on this.
PLEASE NOTE: All How to Fake stories are satirical in nature. However, if you DO decide to take on any of this really excellent advice, let us know the results on Facebook, you champion.