My hair is so long, and thick that I pretty much get charged $100 just for looking at an upmarket salon, even if all I want is a trim. So pretty much as long as I can remember I’ve headed to budget cut salons to have my locks snipped. The job is hit and miss, but it only costs me $30 so everyone walks away happy… or at least not unhappy. But recently I decided to take the plunge and see if a fancy salon was much chop. Here are some thoughts I had.
1. Everything in here is so shiny. The mirrors are shiny, the concrete is shiny, the chandeliers are shiny.
2. Even the receptionist is shiny.
3. Sure, I’ll fill out your new client form. Wait, why do you need my marital status on this form? Do you not cut the hair of single people?
4. There sure is a lot of information to fill in for a haircut.
5. Oh cool! Cookies and a glass of water. This is living.
6. This girl looks nice, is she my hairdresser?
7. Nope she’s going to “prepare me” for my hairdresser. What even is that? “Prepare me”. Should she prepare him for the terrible condition of my hair as well?
8. Mmm warm water for the shampoo. Not even a trace of too hot or too cold. I feel like Goldilocks.
9. HEAD MASSAGE. OMG. HEAVEN.
10. Wow this is the longest head massage in the history of hairdressing.
11. It’s still going.
12. I can see my hairdresser. He is not finished with his last client yet. Poor girl probably has to massage my head until he’s done.
13. Oh nope, she’s going the second wash.
14. MORE HEAD MASSAGE. BEST.
15. What? Where did the head massaging go?
16. Oh. My hairdresser is ready. Great.
17. My hairdresser is hot.
18. In fact, everyone in here is hot. Men, women, all hot.
19. SO MANY BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE.
20. Just told my hairdresser what I want done.
21. He’s suggesting something else. Um…
22. I just nodded my head even though it’s not what I wanted. Why did I do that? Why do I lose my voice whenever I get my damn hair cut?!
23. I should probably trust him. He is a professional after all.
24. NO THAT’S NOT WHERE MY PART IS.
25. Phew, he’s moving the part.
26. That’s still not where my part is. Maybe I should say someth…
27. Oh, already started cutting. Crap.
28. Actually... I kinda like this new part.
29. Though I feel like I should apologise for how knotty my hair is. Knotty people probably don't usually go to fancy salons.
30. Prep girl is asking me if I want tea or coffee. No thanks!
31. Do I want champagne? Why the heck didn’t you lead with that? Of COURSE I want champagne!
32. This is pretty heavenly. Champagne, head massages, little biscuits, Vogue. I could get used to this.
33. He spins me around so I am no longer facing the mirror and keeps cutting. It's OK. Don't freak. He's a pro. He's got this.
34. That is a HELL of a lot of hair on the floor.
35. Why is he drying my hair off? Surely the cut isn’t finished.
36. Oh, he says he wants to see how the cut looks then cut more off.
37. Now he’s doing a weird thing that definitely isn’t cutting. He’s grabbing bits of my hair and like SHAVING it down the hair shaft with one of the scissor blades.
38. It totally doesn’t sound right. This isn’t snipping or cutting. What is this?!
39. WHY ARE THERE NOW CLIPPERS NEAR MY HEAD?
40. Please don’t shave my head, please don’t shave my head.
41. Oh, he’s just kind of clippering off the front tips of my layers. Weird.
42. Now he’s getting out the curling iron.
43. Seriously dude, I’m just going home to sleep, you don’t need to style my hair.
44. No seriously, normally at the budget salons I don’t even opt for the blow dry cause it costs extra.
45. OK he’s curling. Hey, this is looking goooood.
46. Now he’s spraying some kind of magic shine spray that is probably made of unicorn tears and rainbows based on how good it smells.
47. Now my hair looks shiny too.
48. He whips me back around to face the mirror, Hollywood movie style.
49. HOLY HELL I LOOK SEXY. DAMN THE EXPENSE, I AM GETTING THIS DONE ALL OF THE TIMES.
50. I AM QUEEN OF THE HAIR WORLD. BOW DOWN TO MY LOCKS OF GREATNESS.
51. OK, now home to bed. To sleep on my fabulous hair, which I am sure will envelope me like a magical marshmallow cloud and send me off to dreamland, filled with shiny salons and hot hairdressers.