No, you cannot use my shoulder as a pillow!
There is something beyond exciting about planning a holiday. You get to choose an awesome location, plan your adventures, and every day at work just seems that little bit better because you are saving for an EPIC vacation. It consumes every conversation (sorry, friends and family) and you can’t wait to board that plane and soar far, far away from real life and responsibilities… or can you?
Before you get to that blissful location you’ve been dreaming about, you have to endure the people on the plane. For HOURS. When you’re dealing with these people, just remember that the destination is SO much better than the journey!
The Fearful Flyer
They’re the ones dripping sweat onto your shared arm rest, leaning over you to peep out of the window, just in case a wing has fallen off the plane within the last two seconds, and clutching your hand when you’ve known them for 0.8 seconds. They WILL recite every known fact about the Boeing A380 you are currently on and let you know the chances of survival if your plane crashes. And you WILL have to sit there and take it ALL in. Get a wine (or six) and settle in; you’ve just become the in-flight counsellor.
The Out-of-Control Children
These little rascals are probably the worst of the bunch. The screams and laughter would be totally fine if they hadn’t been doing it for SEVEN HOURS STRAIGHT. If they’re not running up and down the aisles, clambering on everything and everyone, they’re kicking your seat like there’s no tomorrow. Is it too late to fork over your entire life savings for business class?
The Too-Close-For-Comfort Person
Ahhh aeroplanes, where you can marathon your favourite shows without any interruption! HAHA I’m KIDDING. “You going to finish that bread? Oh, you’re reading Vogue, I luuurrrrvvveeee that magazine! What’s your favourite edition” Question after question after freaking question. Kudos to them for being excited, super-chatty and oh-so friendly, but 99 per cent of the time, silence IS golden.
Unfortunately, just like they don’t know when to keep quiet, they also don’t know when to give you some space. “Can I use your shoulder as a pillow? I just have a little bit of trouble getting to sleep on plane.” Whether they’re hogging all of the armrest, talking non-stop when you’re clearly wearing headphones or stowing their bags under YOUR SEAT, these space invaders take “make yourself at home” way too far.
The person next to you has had a few drinks and fallen into a deep, deep sleep. Sweet. What’s not sweet is when they start snoring. It normally starts with a cute little purr that actually makes you smile. Then it gets louder and louder until there might as well be a FULL-ON STEAM TRAIN making its way up and down the plane. Top tip: invest in earbuds! Or hold their nose. No, don’t do that. I’m totally kidding… or am I?
The PDA Couple
Nawww, they’re so in love, look at them canoodling and snuggling each other in their seats. Oh, a peck on the cheek. That’s nice. Oh, wow. They’re really going for it. That is some intense kissing. OMG, WHERE IS HIS HAND GOING. THIS CANNOT BE UNSEEN.
It’s too cold. The meals aren’t big enough. The service isn’t quick enough. The plane isn’t fast enough. The tea is a whole $3 and that’s just way too much. No matter how much attention they get from the staff, their life just sucks, the plane sucks, EVERYTHING SUCKS.
This person has their schedule planned to the millisecond. And since they can’t micromanage the captain, they’ll micromanage YOU. They’ll tell you where to put your bags and remind you to take everything you need out before you stow it away. And if the plane’s running late, they will certainly let you know all about the fact hat Barbara’s at the other end and will have to wait a whole extra 10 minutes because of this massive inconvenience. Poor Barbara.
OK, I know buying luggage is a pain and an inconvenience. I get that. But if you pack all your earthly possessions into the teeny-tiny overhead locker and take up space allotted to three other people, YOU are the inconvenience. How did you even get all that stuff past the flight attendants?
Lounging around in your undies is awesome! AT HOME. Not in front of strangers. No one wants to see you stripping off to your knick-knacks and spreading all that over a seat that thousands upon thousands of people have to sit on after you! Think of the hygiene issues, people!
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