I have a confession: Channel 9’s Married at First Sight has me more whipped than Susan and Sean and I don’t care who knows about it.

As someone who has watched both seasons of Stan’s Unreal and starred in not one but two episodes of Channel 7’s one-season wonder Battle of the Choirs, I feel like I’m qualified to comment on the production standards of the third installment of Married at First Sight Australia.

The manufactured drama is simply incredible. Seriously, get those guys onto Big Brother and make Mike Goldman famous again #PrayForMG.

In the past, this show has been advertised as a way to create lifelong connections. This season, the Love Experts tossed that prospect faster than Lauren could hail a cab in Bondi, and instead opted to assemble a melting pot of geographically-challenged, alcohol-fuelled, clashing personalities. As the drama plays out on our screens, we’ve been treated to online coverage of rumours, scandal and plenty of #throwbackthursday pics.

This week, in a move that surprised literally no one, Michelle “Steal Yo’ Man” Marsh has snatched Perth’s third-most eligible singleton (after Nikki Gogan and Fireman Cam) from everyone’s favourite Gold Coast party girl, Cheryl Maitland.

Lifestyle_Married At First Sight_Cam Cranley

I’mma let you finish, but The Bachelor had the best Perth firefighter of all time

According to Woman’s Day’s anonymous source, the twin (distinguishable only by her manchild “husband”) is well and truly on the tune with her beloved mixed-Netballer beau.

Jonesy hasn’t really played by the rules or helped the Love Experts gain any credibility. And if my predictions are correct, we can safely assume he’s about to find himself Dumped at Third Sight.

Lifestyle_Fireman wants a wifeThe reason? The Michelle/Cheryl feud runs so deep that I’m 99 per cent sure this is just another swipe from Jesse’s girl.

Let’s take a trip back to the first episode, where Michelle literally referred to Cheryl as the “Shrek princess”.

Lifestyle_Married at First Sight CHERYL

Now, I’m aware that these guys are being fed copious amounts of alcohol, and potentially lines (of script… sorry, Cheryl) but this interaction is the first breadcrumb leading to the main rivalry of the season. The only competition I see currently is Anthony vs. the Australian public.

When Cheryl and Andrew reentered the experiment as a couple, the twins (and basically everyone apart from Sean and Susan) questioned Cheryl’s motives.

Of course, this assessment was based on the fact that they thought she hadn’t given old mate (can’t remember his name, don’t care enough to look him up) a chance. Definitely not because she’s a beautiful model-esque 25-year-old who could one-up them in the race to the limited presenting gigs available after the season finale.

Image: Giphy

Image: Giphy

At this moment in time, it looks like Cheryl and Michelle aren’t following each other on Instagram, though potentially jilted Fruit-and-Veg Heir Jesse has commented on Cheryl’s recent photo. I don’t know about you, but I’m willing to accept this as solid proof of a Monesy affair.

sheryl-scrrenshot

Shots fired

So many questions remain unanswered;
● Will Jonesy knock Matty J out of the running for 2017 Bachelor?
● When will they give up on the pretense of the show and just put 20 singles in a house and make them fight to the death?
● Are there any single Australian men over six foot?

I guess we’ll have to keep watching to find out. You can catch Married at First Sight on Channel 9 whenever they feel like airing it. This week, it looks like you can get your fix on Sunday night from 7pm, and on Monday and Tuesday from 7.30pm. Catch up here.

Liked This? You’ll Love These!
1. Why We Sort of Care About the Kardashians
2. George Calombaris Dishes Up His Thoughts on MasterChef
3. The Golden Globes Looks You Need to See